he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
