Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
