put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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