I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
