My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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