He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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