Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
