you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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