Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I am one with the molecules
Randomize
