Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
