I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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