My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
