Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I understand Curling. That high.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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