Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
