In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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