I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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