when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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