Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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