OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
