just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
