come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
