I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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