i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
