Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
