Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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