what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
