Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
