At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
