Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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