there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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