she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
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