Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
