I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
