***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
