My hand turned me down
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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