Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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