FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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