Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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