somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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