Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
