I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
