I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
