I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
the liver wants what the liver wants
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
