just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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