Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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