My liver just broke up with me...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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