fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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