God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
