he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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