He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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