bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
