Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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