I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
