y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
