I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I AM VODKA MAN
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
