sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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