Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
