I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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