Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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