my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
