shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
